


Sea

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 14:34:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13009884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: idk





	Sea

It was a warm day in the middle of May, unusually warm not to take notice, but not enough to care. The trees had been brought back to life after a harsh winter, the leaves full and green, wildflowers bloomed in various shades of pinks, yellows, and blues. It was almost like winter had never existed, as if snow hadn’t fallen just several weeks before. But it was hard to let something so recent escape one’s mind, no matter how much it wants to be forgotten. He walked down the edge of the isolated road, just the hiss of the cicadas to keep him company. His scuffed black dress shoes scraped against the cracking pavement with every step as he kept an arm up, squinting and shielding his face from the mid-afternoon sun. 

The silence came to a stop with the rumbling of a vehicle. A beat-up pickup truck, paint peeling and engine sputtering. He didn’t turn his head, even when the truck stopped next to him. 

“Get in the truck.” A woman’s voice yelled over the loud truck. He recognized the voice immediately, but continued walking, only slightly slowing his pace.

“You know I can’t do that.” He yelled back. The engine was shut off and she rolled down the window.

“Tony, please get in.” Her voice began to waver. He sighed, stopping in his tracks and meeting her gaze. She looked tired, her greying hair pulled out of her face, still wearing her black dress.

“I just need some time alone, Mom. Please just give me some time.” He said, inching closer to the truck until he was only a foot away.

“We’re worried about you, we don’t want you to do this alone,” She said, her hand 

reaching out to him. “You shouldn’t be alone right now.” He took a step forward and her hand was on his face. He hadn’t realized he was crying until she wiped the tear away with her thumb. Her eyes looked sad and he felt guilty. Guilty for everything. Guilty for acting so selfish. Guilty for being such a horrible son for so many years. He suddenly felt sick and stepped out of her grasp. 

“Give me a minute, I wanna do something, then we can go.” He said putting on a smile and wiping a stray tear from his face, despite the obvious pain in his voice. He began to pick the wildflowers from the side of the road, crouching down to inspect the colorful flowers, blending the pinks, yellows, and blues into a small bouquet. He worked quickly, his dark-colored blazer soaked up the sun, and soon beads of sweat rolled down the side of his face and down his jaw and neck. Once the wildflower bouquet was made, he got into the truck, and without saying a word, his mother started the engine, the truck loudly coming to life. 

They sat in silence for most of the ride. Tony absentmindedly tapped his fingers against the front of the dashboard where he sat the wildflowers down and only realized he was doing it when his mom didn’t tell him to stop. It was something he always did, and he knew it annoyed her. But she didn’t say anything this time. His mother was never very good at expressing her feelings. Tony felt inadequate as a child because he thought she didn’t love him. He realized later in life that this wasn’t true, but he blamed himself for quite a bit of time, and then there was a time that he blamed her.

He felt ashamed that he ever blamed her. He knew he wasn’t easy to love, his teenage years being a nightmare for her. He started sneaking out of the house at a young age, smoking and drinking with much older kids. He had a few run-ins with police; she always bailed him out of jail, promising the police that he’d stop. He got violent. At eighteen years old he hit her and she smacked him right back. He moved out a week after that. But he wasn’t like that anymore. He had grown up and it had been more than seven years since he moved out. She tried her best to love him, he knew that. No matter how hard he made it, she always found a small way to show him her love. And he was grateful now that she was there with him, even if it had been awhile since their last proper conversation.

She kept her eyes on the road and he looked at her, a fond smile displayed across his face. Maybe this is meant to be. Maybe this would rekindle his relationship with his her. Despite the situation, he felt hopeful.

The familiar scent of salt drifted into the air through the open windows of the truck. The coast. The sea. It’s where everything started. He was a child at first, spending his summertime on the beach with friends. And as an adult, it’s where he met  _ him.  _ After that, it turned into long, drawn out days spent splashing in the salty water and lying on the sand for hours until both of them were redder than lobsters. The beach was small and secluded, ten or fifteen miles down the coast from the larger tourist beach. They were the only ones to visit, and they did as they pleased. They laughed and talked and kissed well past sunset. It was when Tony told him he loved him, underneath the summer sun. They had just gotten out of the water, lounging next to each other on their towels. Tony was reapplying sunscreen when he said it. It was simple, the most assured thing he had ever said in his life.

“I love you.”

“I know, dummy.”

“I’m not kidding; I fucking love you.” They made love on the beach that night, the makeshift bonfire flickering light across their tangled, tanned bodies.

When the leaves began to change and the air got colder, they still met at the beach. Both of them too stubborn to let a little cold stop them. On an especially chilly day, Tony showed up in just his swim trunks.

“Isn’t it too cold for swimming, Tony?” He laughed, his body wrapped up in a large sweater.

“Never!” He said, quickly running across the cool sand and into the water. He screamed immediately and ran back out. “Nevermind,” he said, talking big gulps of air, trying to catch his breath. “I think maybe we should start meeting somewhere else.”

The other man rolled his eyes, wondering how Tony could just now come to this realization.

Although it was too cold to swim, they still spent most of their days together. And when the cold air turned to a biting, freezing wind, they spent their days cuddled up together in front of the fireplace. They were happy. They talked of coming back to the beach once it was warmer. 

“Don’t you miss the beach?” He suddenly asked Tony. They were by the fire, full from dinner and a little wine-drunk.

“What, this isn’t good enough for you?” Tony asked, a coy smile stretched across his face.

He stuck his tongue out at him. “I just miss seeing that body in those tight swim trunks.” He joked, pulling Tony closer and letting his fingers run through his dark hair.

Ah, thanks. It’ll be warm in a few months, then you can see my body again.” Tony hummed and felt his eyes get heavy with sleep as he felt his hair get played with. They fell asleep like that.

it was now warmer, but he wasn’t there. They would never swim together in that ocean again. It didn’t feel real. It couldn’t be real. They were together what seemed just yesterday. 

They arrived at the cemetery located in the sleepy coastal town where he grew up, just a few minutes walking distance from his beach.  _ Their _ beach. His mother didn’t even tell him where they were going, but he had a good guess that it was to the cemetery. He was glad he didn’t have to ask, afraid he wouldn’t be able to choke out the words. He wasn’t against showing emotion or crying. He was just afraid that if he truly let himself weep, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

She stopped the truck at the gravel entrance of the cemetery. “I’ll let you go say goodbye. Take as much time as you need.”

He nodded, grabbing the wildflowers from the dashboard before getting out of the truck.

“Everyone is gathering at the house soon. I hope you’ll be there, Tony.” She added. He nodded once again, although having no interest in going and being around people. “You know I love you.” He heard after taking a few steps away from the truck.

He looked back, meeting her eyes and giving her a look. “I know.”

The cemetery was mostly empty. The crowd from the funeral must have filed out over an hour ago. Tony had left before it ended. He couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand the way their eyes were on him the entire time and the way they looked at him with pity. He knew they were staring, but he couldn’t stand to meet their eyes.  He took off before the coffin could be lowered into the ground.. He remembered hearing his mother’s yells for him, although muffled by the pounding of his heart in his ears; he continued walking. He remembered walking past the sea, past the crashing waves and into the countryside façade, his heart heavy and mind empty. And then he was back at the cemetery. 

The grave was located on the far side of the cemetery, nestled between several other, much older graves. It stuck out like a sore thumb. It didn’t look like it belonged. The headstone was pretty at least, a granite that sparkled against the bright sunlight. The name on the headstone made Tony dizzy; it made him drop to his knees. He quickly took off his blazer, suddenly feeling short of breath, and loosened his tie. He leaned on the headstone, laying the wildflowers he had picked earlier in front of him. He stayed there for what seemed like hours, eyes tightly squeezed shut and breath ragged. He kept one hand clasped tightly on the headstone and the other gripped the freshly mowed grass below him. He listened to the birds chirp and cicadas sing. The sound of life surrounded him. It was all too much.

He released his grip and opened his eyes after a while, the sun’s brightness meeting him once again. He felt his eyes begin to well up with tears, but was unable to stop it this time. He knew he couldn’t escape it this time.

Fat, wet tears streamed down his face before he could stop it. He let himself stay there. His chest heaved as he let out loud broken sobs. He was grateful at that moment for the empty cemetery. It hurt, crying like this. His entire body shook. It took several, if not more, minutes to calm himself down from sobs to light tears. When he finally gathered the strength to stand up, he folded up his jacket and laid it over the headstone. Before he knew what he was doing, he was walking out of the cemetery and down the road. His mom and the truck were gone. She was probably expecting him soon. They all were. But he couldn’t bring himself to turn around; he didn’t want to turn around.

He kept walking. He ended up at their beach. He slowly climbed down the large, slippery grey rocks that separated the sand and road. It had separated the people and cars from them. He untied his black dress shoes and took them off, along with his socks. They were tossed carelessly aside.  He let out a long sigh when he felt the warm sand underneath his feet and the spray of the salt water from the crashing waves. The tide was high and the sun was displayed above. He knew it was unfair for the sun to shine so brightly on such a day, but it somehow felt more appropriate now than if it would have been grey skies. Tony had promised to meet him back at the beach when it got warm, so here he was. He laughed at the irony of the situation, inching closer to the water. He let his feet splash in the water, watching the small waves rush past him, wetting the bottoms of his black slacks that he failed to roll up. It’s peaceful, the sound of the waves. He could always count on the sea to calm him. The water drew him in more, taking slow steps until the water was at his knees. He kept going, the water eventually hitting his stomach and then chest. Deeper and deeper until the waves splashed above his head. He let the water take him, not even daring to pull back.He opened his eyes, the salt water stinging. All he could see was blue. He felt peaceful, everything ending where it all began. 


End file.
